Some wisdom on leading through bereavement
As a community we have times of walking through bereavement and grief. Each circumstance is different, but here are some general pointers we equip our leaders with:
What you might be experiencing personally:
As part of grief, you may feel sadness, anger, numbness, wanting to bargain (if only…) or acceptance and you may feel these things in differing orders, again and again. These are normal reactions to death and loss.
You may feel these things about the most recent circumstance or bereavement but you may also feel them about other losses and bereavements in your own lives.
Sadness comes in waves and we just have to ride them until they subside. They are strong at first but become less intense with time. We always carry our losses throughout our lives but there are times when the waves are intense and there are times when the waves are calmer.
We encourage you to allow yourself to grieve and grieve in the presence of the Lord, don’t hide away from strong emotions the Lord understands them. Jesus experienced deep and overwhelming emotions too. The Psalmists express a range of emotions within a framework of faith.
Leading others through bereavement:
Help people connect with Jesus directly and receive comfort directly from him. Encourage them not to pull away from God and his people in these times but to turn towards him. Leading people not to pull away in times of crisis is helpful and healing for them.
Sadness doesn’t need fixing. We will feel a temptation to want to take away the pain or make it better. Ask ourselves: Am I uncomfortable with my own emotions or am I caring for the person experiencing the emotions? To grieve healthily, we have to ride the waves of sadness and allow others to do that as well.
Don’t be afraid of emotions or the strength of someone’s emotions. Emotions are not good or bad, they just are and there are a range of appropriate emotions to death. Don’t let fear of not knowing what to say stop you from responding or speaking - this can leave grieving people feeling lonely and abandoned.
Death and grief are a reality of the now & not yet of the kingdom. We know that there are miracles in this lifetime but believers also experience death and we know that when Jesus returns we will receive new bodies. This is why we teach the now & the not yet of the kingdom all the time so that when things like this happen, our people are able to still express the pain of death and suffering but also understand the hope of the resurrection in Jesus.
Please don’t use cliches like “God needed another angel in heaven” or “God takes the best people” as they are not true - speak scripture, speak realness and speak hope. Or maybe don’t speak but listen and just be present. The Holy Spirit will guide you.
You may know all of these things already but you are a leader and the challenge of leadership is for you to lead people in your groups through this and other losses that will inevitable come. You do have the authority to gently and lovingly steer people away from unhelpful words and behaviour and you have the authority to point them towards the way of life. This is leadership. We know that is hard but it is so important. We are called by Jesus to lead at this time so let us ask him to give us all the wisdom we need to do that, and then let’s courageously do it as best we are able.