Tom writes:

Sometimes it is necessary to “up the ante” in our relationships. Occasionally strong confrontation is essential for people’s wellbeing. Knowing how and when to do this is one of the biggest challenges in life. Marriage counsellors see poor conflict management as a huge cause in relational breakdown. Management consultants see poor conflict management as a huge cause of workplace failure. Pastors see poor conflict management as a huge cause of spiritual shrivelling. Do you know how to do confrontation well? Here are some tips from Paul. Firstly Paul steps back from the very specific complaint to explain his commitment to the relationship. I don’t know about you but if someone stresses their care for me and their desire to see me do well I am much more open to what they will say. A statement of commitment in the midst of an argument is like a spray of air freshener in a room with a wet dog. “I am jealous for you… God knows I love you”. Ahh! What a wonderful whiff. Let’s tell people we love them more. Let’s tell people that we are for them.

After the statement of commitment Paul lays out in quite emotional language the specific nature of his complaint. He makes himself vulnerable by stressing his fears for the Corinthians and telling them what he wants them to change. When the Corinthians have read this letter they could be in no doubt what the confrontation was about. Paul made it clear for them. As hard as it might be for us to really expose ourselves to people - to really state our fear of where we think their actions are leading - it is essential for us to do so. When we equip them with clarity we enable them to consider our perspective and to come back to us in a way that builds up the relationship, even if they disagree. Finally, as believers, once we have stressed commitment, and provided clarity, we include the third “C” of Christlikeness. We can embrace the humble manner of Jesus who was willing to look a fool for the sake of others. We pray and struggle, taking a posture of service for the sake of building up the other. We act in faith that just as God honoured Jesus, he will use us when we walk in his ways. So there you have it; three tips for doing conflict well; 1) express commitment and affection, 2) be clear what you are worried about and 3) pursue Christlikeness, ultimately seeking God’s action to redeem this whole thing. If we do conflict like this, it might seem foolish, but it gives God a chance to really move.

Question for reflection

How could you use prayer more when entering times of conflict?

2 Corinthians 11 - Friday 21st June